Socially Awkward, Socially Aware

I don't get people. I'm really not very good at seeing what motivates them and to what they relate. I've always had this disconnect, where it takes some embarrassing event for me to see that I've hurt someone's feelings or missed some important social cue. Therefore, I'm shy and often awkward. I say inappropriate or down right stupid things. At times I talk about myself or my views an inordinate amount in an attempt to excuse or explain myself.  I turn people off, sometimes right away and other times after a while. I'm also a disorganized, flakey, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants person. Some people love me because I'm a wacko, others love me despite it, and most people that figure it out steer clear, or I steer clear of people, I'm not sure which.

The trouble is, I'm socially aware enough to know that I'm not a good friend, good acquaintance and an overall socially adept person. I've tried to remedy these things, particularly my propensity for flakeyness and disorganization (which oddly enough are qualities specific to my social life, not my work life), as I want to be a better friend. However, I always find myself back where I was, and now that I'm a parent I don't much have the motivation to pump energy into self improvement.

Aye, there's the rub. I'm a parent; an example. How do I raise a socially adept, timely thank-you card writing, empathetic person when I am not that way?

The Break

I just returned from my first baby free weekend. The inspiration came from Hubby. MLO is now well over the 10.5 month mark and I've been feeling really isolated, overwhelmed and generally sad, so Hubby suggested that I get away for the weekend. My sister lives in San Francisco, so I packed up on Friday and headed up.

I spent the preceding days doing laundry and prepping food so that MLO would be clothed and more easily fed. I didn't have any breast milk stored up, so Hubby fed MLO a bottle of formula in the mornings and late afternoon in addition to the baby's usual meals of solid food. I wanted the experience to be as easy for Hubby as I could make it.

As I got into my car on Friday I had a substantial knot in my stomach. What if I hadn't made enough food? What if MLO threw a fit about the formula? What have I forgotten? What am I going to do without him? Though I wanted to have a weekend to myself, complete with the luxuries of sleeping past 6am and allowing myself to get a good buzz on before 6pm, I really hated the thought of being away from my baby. I've been kind of a wreck lately, though, and knew that making some space for myself and what I wanted to do, giving very little thought to catering to someone else, would help me refresh and regenerate.

So off I went. I arrived in the city mid-afternoon and proceeded to have a thoroughly enjoyable weekend. We ate good food, went climbing, had a fabulous yin yoga class, ate more good food, shopped and ate still more good food. Hubby and I talked a couple of times a day on speaker phone so that MLO and I could hear each other. He sent me multiple pictures a day, so I didn't feel completely out of touch. I ached for my baby, but not nearly so badly as I thought I would. My sister and her husband made me feel like I was on a luxury vacation so that helped me relax and just enjoy the moment.

 MLO was a good boy for his daddy, and they had fun watching tractors and hanging with grandma, grandpa, aunty and uncle over the weekend. While I was away, MLO started to take some independent steps. This morning I got to witness his fledgling attempts at walking. The weekend went so well, in fact, that Hubby suggested I do this more often. I think I'll take him up on it. A nice monthly (or every other month)trip out of town to visit friends would be a grounding experience, while allowing me to reconnect with the friends I miss so much. It's hard for me to stay connected to people when I live far away (I loath the phone and online social networking) and I find it even more challenging now that I'm a mom. I remembered this weekend that I'm more than wife and mom and I would like to give that other part of me some attention, too.

Parenting is not all sunshine and bliss...

and that's ok. I came accross a link to this on Offbeat Mama. These people have it right and say it in a way that is concise and sensical. This video will make you smile. Watch it.

How I Screwed up my Milk Supply

As you may know, I chose to breastfeed MLO. My goal was to keep him on breast milk for the first year of his life. I struggled with different breastfeeding challenges as he grew and his appetite and behaviours changed, but I never felt that my milk production was too low. When he started to eat solid foods I failed to remain diligent about retaining my production. I used to produce 8 ounces (oz) of milk at a pumping, but now I'm lucky if I get 4oz, and more often I only get 2oz. I wanted to share my experience with you in the hopes that you don't follow the same faulty path as I.

As MLO began to eat solid food I noticed that he would skip a nursing. He didn't seem to miss it much, whereas he was crazy excited about eating solid food. I figured that if he didn't want the milk, I didn't need to worry about pumping, so I just started skipping a couple of feedings a day. At first I pumped in the morning and at night when he was getting his solid food meal so that I could get enough milk for his cereal meals the next day. Often I would forget to pump in the morning, adding to the decrease of demand. When MLO started eating solid foods in the middle of the day I allowed him to simply nurse 1-2 times a day. I didn't pump at those increments of every 3 hours, times at which he used to nurse. As my body received signals that the milk wasn't being used, it simply stopped producing it.

At first I thought this was no big deal. He didn't want the milk and I was previously pumping around 8oz in a sitting, so the 1-2 pumping sessions a day should have been fine. What I didn't realize was that my production was going down overall, not just at the times when he didn't want it anymore. When it became difficult to pump 2oz in a sitting I knew I was in trouble. Hubby is actually a lactation physiologist, and though his expertise is in bovids, the hominid system is virtually the same. He implored me to begin pumping again at the 3hour intervals, warning me that if my milk supply did return, I would never produce as much as I did before I had allowed my supply to dwindle.

With diligent pumping and a significant increase in my water intake (60+ oz a day) I have been able to get my volume back up to between 2-4oz in a sitting. Through that time we used up a large portion of our frozen milk supply, so the odds of me having a day or 2 without the baby are slim to none. I rarely produce enough in a day to freeze, and MLO has re-discovered his affinity for breast milk. I now feed him every 3 hours and his middle of the day feedings consist of nursing and solids. It's obvious that there isn't much available for him in the middle of the day, but he still gets a good dose of milk in the morning. I am back to pumping only in the morning and at night (sometimes twice, if the timing is right), but with the feedings in the middle of the day he drains me well.

When I reflect on how I let this happen I touch on a couple of points. First,  I wanted to have a little more autonomy. I had committed myself to breastfeeding for a year in a very emotional way, but I was tired of being bound to the baby every 3 hours. That isn't to say that I didn't want to be around him, or didn't enjoy the act of nursing (which is wonderful quiet bonding time), it was more the need to stop whatever I'm doing wherever I am and find a discrete place to feed my kid. Nursing can be very isolating and can put the breaks on whatever you have going on. I wanted him to cut down on nursing because I wanted a little more freedom to go out and about. I also kind of wanted my boobs back. It follows then, that I wasn't too keen on pumping, because it isolated me in the same way that nursing did. Second, with a decrease in breastfeeding came a decrease in puke. We had lived in a sea of vomit for 6 months. This new-found respite from regurgitated milk felt fantastic. The less he nursed, the less puke I had to clean up off of myself, my son and my floor.

It was an easy trap to fall into. Unfortunately, the repercussions were far reaching and I regret having let it happen. Be smart: when your kid starts eating solids stay on the pump!

Social Experiment

Over the last few months I have been battling with a sense of ennui. I like the word ennui because it sounds rich and implies the sort of boredom that can only come from luxury. I mention this because I want to recognize that I have the luxury to stay home with my son. I don't want to imply that being at home every day with a child is necessarily akin to a day at the spa. In fact, in some personality types staying at home with your baby can lead to isolation, depression, a sense of total dependence on one's spouse and a feeling of worthlessness. These feelings come and go, but when I'm hit with them I have a hard time pulling myself out of the funk.

I made a commitment to myself to get out of the house at least every other day. I find this unexpectedly difficult. You might think I would be dying to get out of the house, but often I feel intimidated. I have so much to do and to take into account before I leave: does the baby have enough diapers, wipes, an extra change of clothes, enough food should we be gone over a meal? Has he slept, if not, will he nap while we're out and if not, am I willing to deal with the consequences for the rest of the day? What will I do with my crazy-ass dog who seems to destroy his surroundings or to mutilate himself if left alone? How will I afford my adventure? With all of these things to consider it's easy to push the outing back until after one more nap or meal. But I've learned to just go for it; keep that diaper bag stocked, screw the nap, skip the shower, take the dog over to the in-laws, do whatever it takes to get out.  

I find myself visiting the grocery store frequently. I don't shop in large quantities as regularly as I did before, so I make frequent smaller trips. MLO loves to sit in the grocery cart and look up at the lights and observe the rows of food. He always makes a friend or two. Now that my hiking class has finished for the quarter I need to go trekking on my own. This intimidates me because I don't want to make myself an easy target for mugging or other unpleasantness, but really, who is more vulnerable than a short, thin, lightly muscled mother carrying her infant down a trail? My senile 15 lb dog and my girly looking Pomeranian don't exactly imply ferocious, fight-to-the-death sort of companionship, so don't even go there. Besides, poor old Ricky shouldn't be made to walk more than two blocks. I compromise by walking around the neighborhood, or talking my mother-in-law into letting me come over and hang out for a bit (did you catch the note of sarcasm? My mother-in-law is always willing to hang out; I come with one of her favorite people. Also, I'm fairly certain she likes me :).

The major change came when I rediscovered yoga without the baby. A mommy friend of mine invited me to a yoga class with her and I really enjoyed it. The class had a nice flow to it, I fell easily into the rhythm, and by the end I felt peaceful and satisfied. The next day I was sore as hell, which added to my sense of accomplishment. Yes, yoga makes for a happy mommy, and a happy mommy makes for a happy house. Now, if I can just get a few classes in a week, all will be well.

I have also had the great fortune of taking an independent contractor position with an editing company. The group services authors (for which English is their second language) writing scientific papers. With my background in research and academia and my "abundant free time" I can squeeze out a few papers a week, no problem. This has added to my sense of accomplishment and to my feeling of partnership, since I'm not simply a drain on the bank account. I like that I can take or leave the work and finish it largely on my own time. The subject matter is varied and interesting and I hone my analytical skills by critiquing the science to myself. This has proven a great benefit to my psyche.

There are challenges to staying at home, as I'm sure there are challenges to working outside the home. In fact, I'm fairly certain that working outside the home is more challenging emotionally and physically, so I salute all of you who do that. For those of us that stay home, don't let yourself stay in that funk. Get out, get sane, your whole family will benefit from it!

What They Say

Today I decided to break out a couple of my baby books to see if there was anything I was supposed to be doing. I didn't register for the baby classes I took spring and summer because we were going to be out of town so much this month, and I've been wondering lately if there is some critical thing I'm not doing. I recognize that as a perspective of a paranoid self-esteem challenged person, but still, I wanted to be sure.

I did discover something in looking through those baby books; I found out that I am so over them. I realized that they only make me nervous and more paranoid. I did not discover that my son was behind in locomotive or cognitive growth. I did get the overall impression that the books implored me to be more vigilant, less of this and more of that. They served their purpose when I was totally bewildered by this new person I needed to protect and nurture, totally ignorant of what I needed to do. Now that I've been doing this for the better part of 8 months I feel pretty confident that I'm doing a decent job, even though one of the books called me "softhearted and weak-nerved" for my method of sleep training.

Who is this baby and what have you done with MLO?

MLO is famously a mellow, happy child. Hubby and I have often remarked on our profoundly good luck that we conceived such an easy baby. MLO smiles readily, has a quiet temper and cries rarely. Well, he   used to be that way.

MLO has changed enormously in the last month. He has started crawling, eating solid foods and trying to stand up. He has also started throwing fits: screaming, crying so hard that he loses his breath, slamming his feet on his bed. He does this in response to my putting him down, to my trying to get him to sleep, to a delay in food presentation, sometimes to no stimulus that I recognize at all. So, who is this baby and what has he done with my son?

How does a 7 month old get to the point where he acts like a spoiled brat? He's only been sentient 4 months. It isn't as though I jump at his every cry or let him languish, wailing in his crib. There are several other factors that may be at play. Even though there are no teeth peeking out yet, I know he has to be teething. He drools like crazy and constantly rubs his gums. We have been travelling frequently and in the last 8 days have driven over 650 miles.  Last week there were a couple of days he spent with family while I tended to some other obligations. I also chopped my hair recently and look very different. Does discomfort, a disruption of routine, a relative lack of mommy for a couple of days, and a physical change in mommy translate to angry, angry baby? Could this be simply a phase that he's going through, a developmental step that I didn't see coming? Is there anything I can do?

Sleep Wars Episode III

So the night before last MLO awoke again around 3. I changed him and rocked him for a bit but he didn't seem tired. He wasn't fussy, just awake. So I put him in his crib and went back to bed. That did not last. He was quiet for a while, then began to fuss, then began to ball. I went in a couple of times to lay him back down, soothe him, and hold his arms for a bit to get him to hold still long enough for him to realize his own exhaustion. It took a long time for him to go to sleep, and before I knew it, he was up crying again (5:30) and out of exasperation and exhaustion I fed him. Unfortunately, nursing him did not do the trick. He stayed awake playing in his crib for another hour before finally falling asleep on his own.

He and I have left town for a few days so we have postponed sleep training for now. There is no reason to push the issue with him sleeping in a travel crib and in an unfamiliar room. Hopefully this doesn't throw us off course, and if it does, oh well.

The Daily Grind

This is has been a huge month for our family. MLO has become a champ at eating solid foods, pooping real, human poop, crawling, and climbing.

We started solid food with oatmeal instead of the traditional rice cereal on a recommendation from our doc. We have successfully tried banana, butternut squash, and carrots. I'm making the baby food myself which is so easy. I use some ice cube trays with lids to freeze the pureed food into serving sizes and it works great. MLO is eating 2 meals of solid food a day which has cut down on his nursing and his puking (yay!). I am concerned that he isn't getting enough to drink, but he seems happy enough and I offer him water from his sippy cup.

Along with solid food comes the Poop Shift. That relatively odorless yellow mess that used to squeeze out the legs and top of the diaper is no more. In fact, for a few days after his introduction to solids there was no poop at all. You can imagine my anxiety: "When will it happen? How much am I going to have to deal with? Will it hurt him? Will it overflow? Is he impacted?". When it finally happened after almost a week it was not so bad. MLO didn't seem to be bothered by it, although the look of concern and concentration he made while making his special delivery was priceless. I texted my husband, "Full on turds. Stinky turds." Boy, are they stinky. If by chance you miss the spectacle that is his eyebrows furrowing and his face turning purple while he delivers, you will definitely not miss the smell. At first it was a bit pasty and messy to clean up, but now he presents us with neatly bundled poops that roll off into the toilet: no poop laying around in a diaper pail, so no lingering ick. I like it fine.

MLO has mastered crawling. He isn't terribly fast, but when he wants to go he goes efficiently and directly. It is so cute to watch. I definitely need to invest in a pen to keep him safe and allow him to practice while I clean house or make meals. With crawling has come climbing. He pulls himself up on anything he can reach. With both crawling and climbing comes heightened anxiety. I try to let him bonk in hopes that he'll learn to watch his head when coming up to a table or not to crawl into the door, but of course I don't want him to hurt himself. I'm trying to find that balance between appropriately protecting and not hovering anxiously.

Yeah, so big changes this month!

Afterbirth

So much changes after your baby is born; a drastic hormone shift occurs, your body shrinks and suddenly feels empty, you face the needs of a person who depends on you completely. All of those changes bring about their own set of challenges and rewards. My experience was exaggerated by having my son taken from me in the hours after his birth with his subsequent admission to the NICU. Just as nothing can fully prepare you for becoming a parent, nothing can prepare you to be separated from your child and having to observe him hooked up to oxygen, monitor wires and IVs. You just have to get through it, and you do.

When MLO was admitted I was in the baby and mother ward while Hubby was with MLO. I had no idea what was going on for a good 30-40 minutes before a nurse came in and told me that they had admitted my son and were running tests. I was very brave. I didn't cry, I asked the questions that satisfied my need to understand and I rationalized that my son was going to be fine, just as the nurse said, but that he needed a little extra care. I kept my brave face until, exhausted and with the shock of having labored and delivered wearing off, I was wheeled up to the NICU to see my son for the first time since he had been taken from me. When I laid eyes on him I lost it. I couldn't touch him, he was hooked up to several monitors, fluid bags and an oxygen machine. He looked so tiny and helpless and the only things I could do, provide for his nutrition and comfort, I couldn't do. He was receiving nutrients through an IV and I wasn't allowed to hold him. I felt powerless, unnecessary and heartbroken. I wanted to stay with him, but I knew I was worthless with exhaustion and sorrow. Hubby wheeled me back to my room. It rained that night and for days after.

The next day we made our way to the NICU. I was still too weak and anemic to make the walk so Hubby wheeled me down. This time I was allowed to hold MLO and they told me it was ok to try to nurse him. We had a hard time, as MLO was getting most of the nutrients he needed from the IV and was so apparently comforted to be close to me that he just fell asleep. This was the first of the challenges that led to my biggest post-partum frustration: everyone knew more than I did. I had at least two different lactation consultants giving me advice along with the NICU nurses and the physician. Having all of those experts sharing their opinion overshadowed my experience and essentially made me feel worthless and stupid. In hindsight I recognize that I let it bother me more than it should have, but I was hardly myself and I was losing the experience of learning on my own to the differing advice and opinions of experts. Frankly, I had a hard time keeping it together. I just wanted to cry. Hubby and I took turns holding our little fella and then he wheeled me back to my room for lunch.

Later that day I had a psychiatrist visit as is required for all moms with babies in the NICU. She asked the usual questions, "Do you use drugs? Does your spouse abuse you?". She tried to get me to talk about my feelings regarding my son's admission but the whole thing was forced and I just wasn't comfortable with her. I basically just tried to get rid of her. Once she was gone and Hubby was back I felt much better. Hubby could always calm my nerves and set things right. During labor and in the days after MLO was born I realized how profoundly lucky I was to have my Hubby. Through the challenges of the labor and an admitted baby Hubby and I acted as one and even at my weakest he gave me strength. I didn't think I could love him more, but after all that, I did.

In a hospital setting like that there are so many different people giving you advice and guidance. The bombardment is overwhelming and sometimes conflicting. We had the breastfeeding consultants telling us one thing, then when we discussed this with our NICU nurse she seemed to get upset and imply we were doing it wrong. I can't express how difficult that is for a new mom to hear. Not only are you new at this incredibly important job, but you have limited contact with the baby you have been longing to meet  for 9 months and you just want to do it right. Those feelings compounded into a lingering sense of ineptitude.

On the last day of my stay in the hospital all of this came to a head. Everyone was telling me how to do my job, some opinions differed from others and all I wanted was some relaxed, private time with my newborn. I generally felt like I just couldn't do anything right, and compared to these experts, I couldn't. On top of all that floated this cloud of guilt I felt about leaving my baby in the hospital and moving home. I had finally reached the end of my rope and needed to get away from the hospital. As I left the NICU I ran into the therapist and she took my arm and said in this over sympathetic tone, "You look sad." I wanted to yell at her, "Of course I'm sad! I'm leaving my newborn child in the care of strangers and going home! I can't seem to nurse him right! My milk won't come in! Everyone is telling me what to do! Are you kidding?" But all I said was, "I'm just really overwhelmed, and I need to go home" and I turned and walked away.

Once I got home I started to relax and recover. I regained my sanity and cried less when I went to the hospital. Hubby and I essentially took shifts at the NICU until he had to go back to work, then I split my days between bed and the NICU. MLO was recovering well and we were getting better at nursing. I got to enjoy just holding him and when something unexpected happened I had a whole cadre of experts to tell me not to worry about it. I started to reap the benefits of all that knowledge and desire to help. Concurrently the weather began to warm and the sun broke through the clouds.

On the day MLO was discharged the sun was shining. He had a flawless check up with the physician and was given the greenlight to go home. We packed him up and into the car seat. On the way home he slept peacefully. As I stared through the car windows I noticed that the whole world was fresh and bright. The hills were a brilliant green and the sky clear and blue. The beauty of it dazzled me. All the cars seemed to move so fast, I was taken aback by how hurried everything was. I felt content to take our time, our family complete, peacefully travelling home. I mentioned this to Hubby and he agreed. We were both just so happy. The world had never seemed so rich and beautiful to us as it did on the day we brought MLO home, and our lives have been enriched beyond description since.

So maybe all that sorrow and frustration helped us realize how incredibly lucky we were to simply drive home with our kidlet. It certainly made us stronger and in the face of all that doubt I have turned out to be as good a mom as ever I hoped (for now). At least I feel confident that I do right by my son. So yes, there are challenges but the rewards are beyond measure. As Richard Bach said, "There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in it's hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts."

Mommy and Me = Peace of Mind

When I was pregnant I had these grand visions of participating in all sorts of mommy and me programs with MLO. I envisioned us swimming together, hiking together, playing together and learning together with all of my new-found mommy friends. This was one expectation I actually fulfilled. MLO and I have been a part of some sort of 'mommy and me' program since he was only a couple of months old and they have been total life savers.

The first group I took our son to was a nursing support group hosted by a local breastfeeding consultant. The program was free and tons of moms (with their babies) showed up. We asked our questions and the consultant answered them with great detail and expounded on certain aspects of the issues we hadn't experienced yet or thought about. The topics ranged from breast health to baby health, so it wasn't just about breastfeeding. This was a great opportunity to learn some tips about monitoring my baby's health along with meeting other moms in my exact same situation. While I didn't go enough to make any lasting friends, I value the times I went as educational and comforting.

The second group I took MLO to was a weekly 'Parent Participation' class through our local adult school. This was AWESOME. We shared birth stories and our latest challenges and had guest speakers that covered everything from post-partum depression to infant nutrition. We learned songs and games that I remember from my childhood and some new ones, too. It was a wonderful resource for hashing out our problems and getting advice, for getting better informed about the needs of our growing babies and for re-learning those songs and games that babies love so much. I made some friends in the class and really understood for the first time that I wasn't alone in the challenges I was facing and that there was light at the end of the tunnel. I really couldn't recommend this type of thing more to any new mom.

Concurrently, I took MLO to a mommy and me hiking group (once again, Parent Participation) that met weekly at different trails around the county. This was a wonderful opportunity to meet like minded moms that valued exercise and the outdoors while forcing myself out of the house. It is really easy to become a home-body when you don't get enough sleep and you don't have the motivation to take a shower, much less walk out your front door. Being apart of this group and the parent participation class helped me feel accountable, and therefore, prompted me to get out of the house. In turn, my sanity was preserved and I started to get back in shape.

The next class MLO and I took together was a pre- and post-natal yoga class, also offered through the adult school. I took this with my neighbor whose son is a few months younger than MLO. This is a neat way to practice balance, and I don't just mean the sort you do standing on one foot. With a baby you have to drop what you're doing and attend to his/her needs at the drop of a hat (or a toy). At the same time, you need to find ways to satisfy your own needs for peace and fulfillment in order to retain sanity. Taking my son to yoga allowed me to do both. When we started, he was about 5 months and learning to sit. He was and is very vocal. While I was trying to do a pose he would be trying to scoot around, falling over and bonking his head, or making it known that he was present and how he was feeling about it. I learned to breath through my stretched muscles and through the disruptions, while happily attending to his needs. Sometimes that required me breaking my pose and sometimes it didn't. Every class was a success no matter how much of it I actually was able to do, simply because he and I did it together and me with a peaceful mind. This has proved a great take-home lesson for me.

The short of it is that I really valued these classes as sanity savers and educational tools. I feel more centered when I attend and more social, too. While I still haven't made any lasting friends from these classes I don't feel the least bit cheated. I have had wonderful experiences and have met some really neat people that helped me understand that no parent is perfect, no baby is perfect and that is ok.

Mindfulness

I have always had a special place in my heart for Buddhism. Though I don't practice it, I find its principles appealing. One of the principles of Buddhism is mindfulness. In raising my son I have found the principle of mindfulness vary handy and easier than ever to practice. My son, in a sense, has helped me be more aware, more present and thus, more thankful.

When I was pregnant, a friend of mine that had a child about a year older than ours impressed upon me the importance of savoring my little stranger's infancy. In essence, she said that though the time is difficult and exhausting, it is also beautiful and short. When MLO was born I didn't want to take anything for granted. I existed in a state of perpetual wonder: awed by his complete helplessness, his eclipsing cuteness and the all consuming responsibility of caring for him. I tried my best to live each day as it happened. This was aided by knowing that the sleep deprivation that plagued me would not ease up for a couple of months at least, so I tried to let go of wanting it to be different and instead focus on the little joys of everyday. I managed to succeed pretty well. I gloried in holding him while he slept, in watching him watch his world, in satisfying his hunger and in all the little signals he gave that showed he was growing and changing. Sure enough, before I realized it, he was too big to snuggle beneath my chin and instead of watching his world he was cooing to it.

Just the other day he tried butternut squash for the first time and delighted us all by responding with a look of total disgust, followed by an emphatically wide open mouth. He downed his bowl and proceeded to lick it clean. A few days later he learned a very basic form of 'High Five': when prompted he sticks his hand up and gives me this bemused smile. It cracks me up every time, which I think is why he does it. Last night I found him standing up in his crib holding the sides of the rails. I can't believe how quickly he is changing. It is the joy of my life to watch it all unfold. I am so incredibly lucky to be a mother, to be his mother, and to have the luxury to stay at home and raise my son. So today I am focusing on being mindful of my good fortune. Without mindfulness I would miss out on so much joy in every day. Thanks, Buddha.

Tent Camping with Your Baby

So Hubby and I are big time into camping, off-roading, and general outdoors-type entertainment. When I was pregnant with MLO, Hubby and I decided that we wanted to continue to do those things we loved with our little one. As the summer months grew near, I started lightly researching camping tips for parents of kids under 1 year of age. I didn't find a whole lot. We took MLO on his first camping trip when he was just over 3 months old. Before I forget all the stuff we learned this summer I figured I better make this post.

General Ideas:
1. Take a deep breath and accept that you are going into uncharted territory.
Each child is different. For instance, MLO always had a hard time going to sleep if he could see what was going on. He had to be in the tent, in the car, in the carrier (Ergo baby or Baby Bjorn) or in a covered, small travel bassinet in order to fall asleep. There was no sleeping in arms or sleeping in his chair and falling asleep in the carrier was not a guarantee or an easy thing to do. We just had to accept that we couldn't control when and where he was going to nap. If you want to enjoy it, let go of your expectations!

2. Be willing to change plans if necessary to retain the sanity of the family.
On the last day of camping during our first trip we were on the Rubicon Trail. We heard thunder and noted some nasty clouds a-gathering. We decided we didn't want to break camp in the rain the next morning so we packed up that afternoon and headed down the mountain on our7 hour drive home. We got home around midnight, and though it was a long, hard day for all of us, at least we weren't wet....

3. Make a list!
Hubby and I decided to make lists for 3 general areas of packing: kitchen, general camp, and baby. We packed the contents of each list into bins (or coolers where appropriate). This helped keep everything clear in our minds and organized in camp.

4. Pack extra for your first trip.
I wasn't sure how many burp cloths, diapers, wipes, changes of clothes or toys to bring. I looked at our consumption during a day at home and added about 20%. That came in handy when MLO went through more sweatshirts and long sleeved onsies than I expected.

Hubby and I had an amazing time camping with our little fella this summer. We have one of a kind pictures and memories we will hold forever. As we camped more and as MLO grew, we realized we could cut back on some things. For instance, generally it wasn't warm enough for MLO to be in just shorts and a short sleeved onsie so I didn't bring shorts and I brought fewer onsies. Here are some provisions we found particularly useful:

Provisions
1. Unscented diapers and fragrance free wipes: Huggies and Seventh Generation, among others, make unscented diapers and wipes. This is a must for inside the tent! Regardless of whether or not bears are interested in fragranced diapers, I slept better knowing we weren't tempting fate.

2. At least one sleeping bag that isn't a mummy bag. We realized that nighttime was generally too cold for even a jammied, swaddled, beanied, and bagged baby on his own. While we had a pack n' play for naps (which was very handy), MLO slept in a sleeping bag with one of us at night. The mummy bags were too constrictive for 2 of us and I worried that he was going to asphyxiate.

3. A full sized futon mattress. We purchased a basic one of these for camping a few years ago and love it. We tried sleeping on cots with the baby and it was just too awkward. It also fits great in our 4 person tent.

4. Some sort of chair for baby. When MLO was only a few months old we used a rocker that was gifted to us. That thing came in SO handy. It vibrated and soothed and was a safe place we could set him down when we were working in the campsite or eating meals. Once he started sitting up on his own we used a hook on chair that we attached to the picnic table. For that span of time where he was growing out of the rocker but not yet sitting on his own I wish we had the bebePOD. I recently acquired it and LOVE it for around the house and on the go. It would have been great to have in the camp site.

5. Sweatshirts, long sleeved onsies, beanies, footie pajamas and shoes. Camping is cold! We layered our little guy in footie pjs with a pair of pants and a sweatshirt in the morning. We even put shoes on his little feet to keep the heat in.

6. Sunscreen and hats. If your little one is going to be in the sun for more than 15 minutes sunscreen is a must. We had the little mister in hats when he was outdoors too.

From all accounts, camping with a pre-crawler is easy. Don't be scared! If camping is something you loved before your little person joined the world then make it happen and enjoy the ride. I can tell you from experience that you'll be glad you did!

MLO and me overlooking Edison Lake July, 2010. MLO was 4.5 months old.

The way things are.

I had the rare pleasure of watching my son fall asleep in my arms today. Usually, drifting to sleep is a physical battle not conducive to snuggling. As he slept peacefully in my arms I couldn't help but think about how much I love him. I always carry my love for him out in the open, no big mystery, but when I stop and think about how much I love him I feel like I might die. The feeling is simply the most intense adoration I have ever experienced. It completely overwhelms me and my ability to describe it. When I think about how much he means to me I just cry. It's all I can do. I love him so much.

So that got me thinking about spoiling my kid and whether I should never let him know how utterly taken with him I am. That led to my realization that no matter how I portray it to him, he will never really understand how and how much I love him. He will never be a mother. He will never know what it is to sacrifice his body for the healthy, happy existence of someone else. That is not to say that fathers don't love their children deeply and passionately. Indeed I know undoubtedly that they do. It just isn't the same sort of love.

I have to admit it breaks my heart when I think of that: when I note that my love for him can't be returned the same way. I suppose it's another sacrifice mothers make. I value my mother so much more because of that than I did before I understood. It also reminds me that he will break my heart a thousand times and thousand more before I kick the bucket. Every time he tells me I don't do it the way daddy does. The first time he vehemently opposes hugs in public and kisses goodbye in front of his friends. The first time that he shouts, "I hate you!" and slams his bedroom door. When he leaves home for college. Every one of those little triumphs that says your child is growing up, becoming more independent and learning how to care for himself is a little stab at your heart that you really shouldn't be sad about at all. They are all steps away from you, away from that little person you grew and birthed and fed and changed and swaddled. That little person who fell asleep in your arms.

I find this fact of life to be very strange. At first I thought it was karma for those nice young men whose heartfelt advances I so unceremoniously spurned. Then I realized that this is simply the way things are, that I shouldn't feel sad about it. I do, though. The same way I feel sad about having to grow old and die. I wonder, as I continue to grow up and change as a person and as a mom, will this sadness diminish? Is this the way it is when you start out, or a chink in my particular coat of armor; some artifact of an over-blown sense of fairness? It will be interesting to find out.

For now I will go on relishing the feeling of loving someone this much and just being thankful that he is my son: my healthy, happy (and for now, sleeping) baby boy.