Social Experiment

Over the last few months I have been battling with a sense of ennui. I like the word ennui because it sounds rich and implies the sort of boredom that can only come from luxury. I mention this because I want to recognize that I have the luxury to stay home with my son. I don't want to imply that being at home every day with a child is necessarily akin to a day at the spa. In fact, in some personality types staying at home with your baby can lead to isolation, depression, a sense of total dependence on one's spouse and a feeling of worthlessness. These feelings come and go, but when I'm hit with them I have a hard time pulling myself out of the funk.

I made a commitment to myself to get out of the house at least every other day. I find this unexpectedly difficult. You might think I would be dying to get out of the house, but often I feel intimidated. I have so much to do and to take into account before I leave: does the baby have enough diapers, wipes, an extra change of clothes, enough food should we be gone over a meal? Has he slept, if not, will he nap while we're out and if not, am I willing to deal with the consequences for the rest of the day? What will I do with my crazy-ass dog who seems to destroy his surroundings or to mutilate himself if left alone? How will I afford my adventure? With all of these things to consider it's easy to push the outing back until after one more nap or meal. But I've learned to just go for it; keep that diaper bag stocked, screw the nap, skip the shower, take the dog over to the in-laws, do whatever it takes to get out.  

I find myself visiting the grocery store frequently. I don't shop in large quantities as regularly as I did before, so I make frequent smaller trips. MLO loves to sit in the grocery cart and look up at the lights and observe the rows of food. He always makes a friend or two. Now that my hiking class has finished for the quarter I need to go trekking on my own. This intimidates me because I don't want to make myself an easy target for mugging or other unpleasantness, but really, who is more vulnerable than a short, thin, lightly muscled mother carrying her infant down a trail? My senile 15 lb dog and my girly looking Pomeranian don't exactly imply ferocious, fight-to-the-death sort of companionship, so don't even go there. Besides, poor old Ricky shouldn't be made to walk more than two blocks. I compromise by walking around the neighborhood, or talking my mother-in-law into letting me come over and hang out for a bit (did you catch the note of sarcasm? My mother-in-law is always willing to hang out; I come with one of her favorite people. Also, I'm fairly certain she likes me :).

The major change came when I rediscovered yoga without the baby. A mommy friend of mine invited me to a yoga class with her and I really enjoyed it. The class had a nice flow to it, I fell easily into the rhythm, and by the end I felt peaceful and satisfied. The next day I was sore as hell, which added to my sense of accomplishment. Yes, yoga makes for a happy mommy, and a happy mommy makes for a happy house. Now, if I can just get a few classes in a week, all will be well.

I have also had the great fortune of taking an independent contractor position with an editing company. The group services authors (for which English is their second language) writing scientific papers. With my background in research and academia and my "abundant free time" I can squeeze out a few papers a week, no problem. This has added to my sense of accomplishment and to my feeling of partnership, since I'm not simply a drain on the bank account. I like that I can take or leave the work and finish it largely on my own time. The subject matter is varied and interesting and I hone my analytical skills by critiquing the science to myself. This has proven a great benefit to my psyche.

There are challenges to staying at home, as I'm sure there are challenges to working outside the home. In fact, I'm fairly certain that working outside the home is more challenging emotionally and physically, so I salute all of you who do that. For those of us that stay home, don't let yourself stay in that funk. Get out, get sane, your whole family will benefit from it!