A Weaning

MLO and I struggled with nursing these last few months. I screwed up my milk supply and had barely enough to get us through the day. The nursing first thing was the only really good feeding we had. The others, generally occurring at 3 hour intervals thereafter, were low volume, and he tended to fuss for much of the time. By March we had, for the most part, dropped the latest feeding (occurring between 3 and 4 PM), sort of accidentally. Neither of us remembered, and with all that exciting solid food he didn't seem to mind. So, on March 1st I stopped the other feedings all together. For the first two weeks of March we nestled close in the mornings and shared our beloved morning routine. It wasn't the quiet, focused feedings we shared months prior. He pulled off and looked around, poked my belly button and would seem to lose interest entirely, only to cry when I buttoned myself up, so to speak.

One morning in mid-March he woke up, and instead of expressing interest in my chest he seemed to want to get down and play. So I let him. And then it struck me, "He isn't asking to nurse. You wanted to nurse for a year, but no longer. Let's just stop." With a twinge of loss and nostalgia I fed my son a meal of eggs and cheerios and he hasn't looked back. I both miss nursing and relish not having to do it. The quiet moments spent holding each other that led to long gazes into each other's eyes are no longer. These days I can hardly get MLO to sit still long enough to hug and kiss him before he pushes my face away and slips from my lap. I have to admit, though, that I don't miss the pressing feeling of obligation that came like clockwork to find a quiet place to nurse. I don't miss sitting alone in a room to avoid the constant distractions that led to MLO's patented nurse and pull-off, nurse and pull-off method of nursing; a completely maddening way to feed a child. I don't miss fretting about what I've eaten and how much water I've consumed. I don't miss worrying about how much milk he's getting and how to increase my supply.

Overall, the weaning was easy and has been a good experience for both of us. MLO loves to drink his milk and snack every few hours. In addition to his milk cup, he has a water bottle that is always accessible to him. He doesn't seem to miss snuggling with me, and he certainly relishes feeding himself. As with everything so far, I register a deep significance, feel strongly these senses of loss and gain. MLO just keeps on keepin' on, living fully in each moment but always ready for the next. I have discovered there is no greater teacher than my 1-year old son. 

New Year, New Faces, New Insanity

Exciting news! I've invited a friend of mine to contribute some of her experiences to the site. I will let J's Mama introduce herself, but suffice it to say she's a wonderful mom and a great friend. I would probably have gone crazy if it weren't for her friendship and understanding! Stay tuned for her first post!! (No pressure JM ;)

Speaking of new faces, MLO has moved into and possibly out of the stage of making this hilarious Klingon face. It is in response to everything from happiness to frustration. If not for the myriad weirdos on the internet, I would share it with you. Much like the fearsome Klingons, MLO has begun to yell and scream. He mostly shares this over-vocalization when things simply aren't going his way. Remove him from the dog bowl? Ear-splitting shriek. Take the time to cut up his banana? Repeated angry yelling. Change his diaper? Both. It's really lovely to be yelled at for meeting his needs... all day long... every day.

He finally mastered coming down the stairs, though I would never allow him to do this unsupervised. He moves down feet first, backward. We decided early on that we didn't want to tempt him with gates. Gates present a challenge, and MLO loves nothing more than to do exactly what he knows we don't want him to do. Since I recently noticed him getting a foot up on the middle of a panel of Alcatraz, I decided that our decision was a good one. The last thing we need is a baby taking a header from over a gate at the top of 13 steps. I sometimes wish we had a gate at the bottom so that he were relatively penned in downstairs, but oh well. It keeps me on my toes. He actually took a spill from a few steps up the other day. I was standing a couple of feet from the bottom of the stairs, going over his list of tried solid foods when I glanced up and caught him tumbling down head first into our wood floor. We both freaked out. He was fine, scared but uninjured. I felt like a terrible mother. Of course I know better than to let my 10 month old play around the stairs; he's a fast little bugger and it doesn't take long for him to get much higher up the stairs than one might expect.

He has also begun to wave. This motion is somewhat rudimentary as it mostly consists of a fist in the air with perhaps the addition of a single finger or splayed hand in the direction of whomever's attention he is trying to get. His friend (2-weeks younger than he is) already has waving, clapping and head shaking down, and she has for months.

I've also made what, for me, is a big move. I have officially stopped the regular pumping I've been doing 2-3 times a day for the last 2 months. I hated it. It was restrictive, isolating, and increased the difficulty of caring for MLO when it was just me and him, because I had to pump when I had to pump regardless of whether he was asleep or not. This made tending to his needs and keeping him out of trouble especially challenging. The problem with this decision is that I don't have milk with which to make his cereal, which means that he isn't getting the high calorie, and ultimately nutritionally complete meal he was getting in the past. With his low weight and height I worry that I'm selfishly keeping him from breaking that 5% mark on the growth curve, though he isn't a hungry baby and he is already eating yogurts and cheeses.

Ah, the trials and triumphs of motherhood.

Well, that's the news from Lake Wobegon...

How I Screwed up my Milk Supply

As you may know, I chose to breastfeed MLO. My goal was to keep him on breast milk for the first year of his life. I struggled with different breastfeeding challenges as he grew and his appetite and behaviours changed, but I never felt that my milk production was too low. When he started to eat solid foods I failed to remain diligent about retaining my production. I used to produce 8 ounces (oz) of milk at a pumping, but now I'm lucky if I get 4oz, and more often I only get 2oz. I wanted to share my experience with you in the hopes that you don't follow the same faulty path as I.

As MLO began to eat solid food I noticed that he would skip a nursing. He didn't seem to miss it much, whereas he was crazy excited about eating solid food. I figured that if he didn't want the milk, I didn't need to worry about pumping, so I just started skipping a couple of feedings a day. At first I pumped in the morning and at night when he was getting his solid food meal so that I could get enough milk for his cereal meals the next day. Often I would forget to pump in the morning, adding to the decrease of demand. When MLO started eating solid foods in the middle of the day I allowed him to simply nurse 1-2 times a day. I didn't pump at those increments of every 3 hours, times at which he used to nurse. As my body received signals that the milk wasn't being used, it simply stopped producing it.

At first I thought this was no big deal. He didn't want the milk and I was previously pumping around 8oz in a sitting, so the 1-2 pumping sessions a day should have been fine. What I didn't realize was that my production was going down overall, not just at the times when he didn't want it anymore. When it became difficult to pump 2oz in a sitting I knew I was in trouble. Hubby is actually a lactation physiologist, and though his expertise is in bovids, the hominid system is virtually the same. He implored me to begin pumping again at the 3hour intervals, warning me that if my milk supply did return, I would never produce as much as I did before I had allowed my supply to dwindle.

With diligent pumping and a significant increase in my water intake (60+ oz a day) I have been able to get my volume back up to between 2-4oz in a sitting. Through that time we used up a large portion of our frozen milk supply, so the odds of me having a day or 2 without the baby are slim to none. I rarely produce enough in a day to freeze, and MLO has re-discovered his affinity for breast milk. I now feed him every 3 hours and his middle of the day feedings consist of nursing and solids. It's obvious that there isn't much available for him in the middle of the day, but he still gets a good dose of milk in the morning. I am back to pumping only in the morning and at night (sometimes twice, if the timing is right), but with the feedings in the middle of the day he drains me well.

When I reflect on how I let this happen I touch on a couple of points. First,  I wanted to have a little more autonomy. I had committed myself to breastfeeding for a year in a very emotional way, but I was tired of being bound to the baby every 3 hours. That isn't to say that I didn't want to be around him, or didn't enjoy the act of nursing (which is wonderful quiet bonding time), it was more the need to stop whatever I'm doing wherever I am and find a discrete place to feed my kid. Nursing can be very isolating and can put the breaks on whatever you have going on. I wanted him to cut down on nursing because I wanted a little more freedom to go out and about. I also kind of wanted my boobs back. It follows then, that I wasn't too keen on pumping, because it isolated me in the same way that nursing did. Second, with a decrease in breastfeeding came a decrease in puke. We had lived in a sea of vomit for 6 months. This new-found respite from regurgitated milk felt fantastic. The less he nursed, the less puke I had to clean up off of myself, my son and my floor.

It was an easy trap to fall into. Unfortunately, the repercussions were far reaching and I regret having let it happen. Be smart: when your kid starts eating solids stay on the pump!

Sleep Wars: A New Hope

Well MLO skipped his 1 AM wake-up two nights in a row. This change occurred after I let him complain through it a few nights back. I felt dead tired and just didn't have it in me to go down there and change him. The more I thought about it, the more I resolved to simply let him figure it out. Interestingly, he didn't take long to quiet down and drift to sleep: maybe 20 min. This was the first time he has started to fuss in the night and not spend close to an hour complaining. Notably, he didn't scream and ball, he just sort of complained until he didn't. At 4:26 he woke again and I figured he would go back to sleep. He did not. We listened to him whine or ball for an hour before I went down and fed him. That wake-up has been reproducible within the minute for the last couple of nights and he hasn't seemed receptive to working through that. I refuse to listen to him whine and cry for the better part of an hour, so I've decided not to fight that wake-up. He has awakened at that hour fairly consistently over the last couple of months, so I assume he needs to nurse at that time. Considering he eats somewhere between 5:30 and 6:30 in the evening, 10-11 hours between meals seems about right.

As I look back on the last 8 months and our sleep (or lack there of), I realize that MLO and I slowly dropped a feeding at a time when he was ready; when I tried to push it things went sour. I broke out of sleep deprivation in about the 4th month, and have been working toward a solid 6 hours since then. It seems we have finally made it, although things could change, especially considering that he hasn't started to cut teeth yet. Obviously, I'll keep you posted.

The Surprises

There were many things I didn't expect when MLO was born. Here are a few I thought worth sharing:

1. Newborns/infants are incredibly noisy when they sleep. They snort and squeak all night long. Don't let it freak you out.
2. People weren't speaking figuratively when they said that the first few months of your child's life you act like a crazy person. Sleep deprivation is a serious business and it takes its toll.
3. The 5 S's saved my life: swaddle, shoosh, side-lay, suck (not you, the baby- on a pacifier) and shimmy.
4. Newborns can take up to an hour to nurse. At first it can seem like all you do is feed your baby. The length of time you nurse coupled with the frequent feedings can really cut down on your sleep. If you can sleep-nurse at the beginning, do it. If you are interested in doing that but afraid of rolling on baby, check out a co-sleeper.
5. People you hardly know are happy for you, new life just brings the best out in people. You will probably end up with lots of gifts, and since some of these gift-givers don't know you well you may end up with things that aren't your taste. In that case, remember that someone chose that item for you with the idea of supporting you and celebrating your little one. To honor that kindness, be gracious and find a place for it. If you can't or won't use it, donate it.
6. Consumer Reports and Consumersearch.com are invaluable, but not all informative.
7. The first couple of months without a real smile are tough. You sacrifice sleep, fun, and sanity for your baby and the most you get is not crying. Once your little one smiles on purpose, you know the true meaning of joy.

I'm sure there are others, but these have been rattling around in my brain for a while and I can't think of anything else off the bat. Speaking of bat, go Giants. Game one? Check.

Sleep Wars Episode III

So the night before last MLO awoke again around 3. I changed him and rocked him for a bit but he didn't seem tired. He wasn't fussy, just awake. So I put him in his crib and went back to bed. That did not last. He was quiet for a while, then began to fuss, then began to ball. I went in a couple of times to lay him back down, soothe him, and hold his arms for a bit to get him to hold still long enough for him to realize his own exhaustion. It took a long time for him to go to sleep, and before I knew it, he was up crying again (5:30) and out of exasperation and exhaustion I fed him. Unfortunately, nursing him did not do the trick. He stayed awake playing in his crib for another hour before finally falling asleep on his own.

He and I have left town for a few days so we have postponed sleep training for now. There is no reason to push the issue with him sleeping in a travel crib and in an unfamiliar room. Hopefully this doesn't throw us off course, and if it does, oh well.

The Daily Grind

This is has been a huge month for our family. MLO has become a champ at eating solid foods, pooping real, human poop, crawling, and climbing.

We started solid food with oatmeal instead of the traditional rice cereal on a recommendation from our doc. We have successfully tried banana, butternut squash, and carrots. I'm making the baby food myself which is so easy. I use some ice cube trays with lids to freeze the pureed food into serving sizes and it works great. MLO is eating 2 meals of solid food a day which has cut down on his nursing and his puking (yay!). I am concerned that he isn't getting enough to drink, but he seems happy enough and I offer him water from his sippy cup.

Along with solid food comes the Poop Shift. That relatively odorless yellow mess that used to squeeze out the legs and top of the diaper is no more. In fact, for a few days after his introduction to solids there was no poop at all. You can imagine my anxiety: "When will it happen? How much am I going to have to deal with? Will it hurt him? Will it overflow? Is he impacted?". When it finally happened after almost a week it was not so bad. MLO didn't seem to be bothered by it, although the look of concern and concentration he made while making his special delivery was priceless. I texted my husband, "Full on turds. Stinky turds." Boy, are they stinky. If by chance you miss the spectacle that is his eyebrows furrowing and his face turning purple while he delivers, you will definitely not miss the smell. At first it was a bit pasty and messy to clean up, but now he presents us with neatly bundled poops that roll off into the toilet: no poop laying around in a diaper pail, so no lingering ick. I like it fine.

MLO has mastered crawling. He isn't terribly fast, but when he wants to go he goes efficiently and directly. It is so cute to watch. I definitely need to invest in a pen to keep him safe and allow him to practice while I clean house or make meals. With crawling has come climbing. He pulls himself up on anything he can reach. With both crawling and climbing comes heightened anxiety. I try to let him bonk in hopes that he'll learn to watch his head when coming up to a table or not to crawl into the door, but of course I don't want him to hurt himself. I'm trying to find that balance between appropriately protecting and not hovering anxiously.

Yeah, so big changes this month!

Afterbirth

So much changes after your baby is born; a drastic hormone shift occurs, your body shrinks and suddenly feels empty, you face the needs of a person who depends on you completely. All of those changes bring about their own set of challenges and rewards. My experience was exaggerated by having my son taken from me in the hours after his birth with his subsequent admission to the NICU. Just as nothing can fully prepare you for becoming a parent, nothing can prepare you to be separated from your child and having to observe him hooked up to oxygen, monitor wires and IVs. You just have to get through it, and you do.

When MLO was admitted I was in the baby and mother ward while Hubby was with MLO. I had no idea what was going on for a good 30-40 minutes before a nurse came in and told me that they had admitted my son and were running tests. I was very brave. I didn't cry, I asked the questions that satisfied my need to understand and I rationalized that my son was going to be fine, just as the nurse said, but that he needed a little extra care. I kept my brave face until, exhausted and with the shock of having labored and delivered wearing off, I was wheeled up to the NICU to see my son for the first time since he had been taken from me. When I laid eyes on him I lost it. I couldn't touch him, he was hooked up to several monitors, fluid bags and an oxygen machine. He looked so tiny and helpless and the only things I could do, provide for his nutrition and comfort, I couldn't do. He was receiving nutrients through an IV and I wasn't allowed to hold him. I felt powerless, unnecessary and heartbroken. I wanted to stay with him, but I knew I was worthless with exhaustion and sorrow. Hubby wheeled me back to my room. It rained that night and for days after.

The next day we made our way to the NICU. I was still too weak and anemic to make the walk so Hubby wheeled me down. This time I was allowed to hold MLO and they told me it was ok to try to nurse him. We had a hard time, as MLO was getting most of the nutrients he needed from the IV and was so apparently comforted to be close to me that he just fell asleep. This was the first of the challenges that led to my biggest post-partum frustration: everyone knew more than I did. I had at least two different lactation consultants giving me advice along with the NICU nurses and the physician. Having all of those experts sharing their opinion overshadowed my experience and essentially made me feel worthless and stupid. In hindsight I recognize that I let it bother me more than it should have, but I was hardly myself and I was losing the experience of learning on my own to the differing advice and opinions of experts. Frankly, I had a hard time keeping it together. I just wanted to cry. Hubby and I took turns holding our little fella and then he wheeled me back to my room for lunch.

Later that day I had a psychiatrist visit as is required for all moms with babies in the NICU. She asked the usual questions, "Do you use drugs? Does your spouse abuse you?". She tried to get me to talk about my feelings regarding my son's admission but the whole thing was forced and I just wasn't comfortable with her. I basically just tried to get rid of her. Once she was gone and Hubby was back I felt much better. Hubby could always calm my nerves and set things right. During labor and in the days after MLO was born I realized how profoundly lucky I was to have my Hubby. Through the challenges of the labor and an admitted baby Hubby and I acted as one and even at my weakest he gave me strength. I didn't think I could love him more, but after all that, I did.

In a hospital setting like that there are so many different people giving you advice and guidance. The bombardment is overwhelming and sometimes conflicting. We had the breastfeeding consultants telling us one thing, then when we discussed this with our NICU nurse she seemed to get upset and imply we were doing it wrong. I can't express how difficult that is for a new mom to hear. Not only are you new at this incredibly important job, but you have limited contact with the baby you have been longing to meet  for 9 months and you just want to do it right. Those feelings compounded into a lingering sense of ineptitude.

On the last day of my stay in the hospital all of this came to a head. Everyone was telling me how to do my job, some opinions differed from others and all I wanted was some relaxed, private time with my newborn. I generally felt like I just couldn't do anything right, and compared to these experts, I couldn't. On top of all that floated this cloud of guilt I felt about leaving my baby in the hospital and moving home. I had finally reached the end of my rope and needed to get away from the hospital. As I left the NICU I ran into the therapist and she took my arm and said in this over sympathetic tone, "You look sad." I wanted to yell at her, "Of course I'm sad! I'm leaving my newborn child in the care of strangers and going home! I can't seem to nurse him right! My milk won't come in! Everyone is telling me what to do! Are you kidding?" But all I said was, "I'm just really overwhelmed, and I need to go home" and I turned and walked away.

Once I got home I started to relax and recover. I regained my sanity and cried less when I went to the hospital. Hubby and I essentially took shifts at the NICU until he had to go back to work, then I split my days between bed and the NICU. MLO was recovering well and we were getting better at nursing. I got to enjoy just holding him and when something unexpected happened I had a whole cadre of experts to tell me not to worry about it. I started to reap the benefits of all that knowledge and desire to help. Concurrently the weather began to warm and the sun broke through the clouds.

On the day MLO was discharged the sun was shining. He had a flawless check up with the physician and was given the greenlight to go home. We packed him up and into the car seat. On the way home he slept peacefully. As I stared through the car windows I noticed that the whole world was fresh and bright. The hills were a brilliant green and the sky clear and blue. The beauty of it dazzled me. All the cars seemed to move so fast, I was taken aback by how hurried everything was. I felt content to take our time, our family complete, peacefully travelling home. I mentioned this to Hubby and he agreed. We were both just so happy. The world had never seemed so rich and beautiful to us as it did on the day we brought MLO home, and our lives have been enriched beyond description since.

So maybe all that sorrow and frustration helped us realize how incredibly lucky we were to simply drive home with our kidlet. It certainly made us stronger and in the face of all that doubt I have turned out to be as good a mom as ever I hoped (for now). At least I feel confident that I do right by my son. So yes, there are challenges but the rewards are beyond measure. As Richard Bach said, "There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in it's hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts."

Mindfulness

I have always had a special place in my heart for Buddhism. Though I don't practice it, I find its principles appealing. One of the principles of Buddhism is mindfulness. In raising my son I have found the principle of mindfulness vary handy and easier than ever to practice. My son, in a sense, has helped me be more aware, more present and thus, more thankful.

When I was pregnant, a friend of mine that had a child about a year older than ours impressed upon me the importance of savoring my little stranger's infancy. In essence, she said that though the time is difficult and exhausting, it is also beautiful and short. When MLO was born I didn't want to take anything for granted. I existed in a state of perpetual wonder: awed by his complete helplessness, his eclipsing cuteness and the all consuming responsibility of caring for him. I tried my best to live each day as it happened. This was aided by knowing that the sleep deprivation that plagued me would not ease up for a couple of months at least, so I tried to let go of wanting it to be different and instead focus on the little joys of everyday. I managed to succeed pretty well. I gloried in holding him while he slept, in watching him watch his world, in satisfying his hunger and in all the little signals he gave that showed he was growing and changing. Sure enough, before I realized it, he was too big to snuggle beneath my chin and instead of watching his world he was cooing to it.

Just the other day he tried butternut squash for the first time and delighted us all by responding with a look of total disgust, followed by an emphatically wide open mouth. He downed his bowl and proceeded to lick it clean. A few days later he learned a very basic form of 'High Five': when prompted he sticks his hand up and gives me this bemused smile. It cracks me up every time, which I think is why he does it. Last night I found him standing up in his crib holding the sides of the rails. I can't believe how quickly he is changing. It is the joy of my life to watch it all unfold. I am so incredibly lucky to be a mother, to be his mother, and to have the luxury to stay at home and raise my son. So today I am focusing on being mindful of my good fortune. Without mindfulness I would miss out on so much joy in every day. Thanks, Buddha.

Tent Camping with Your Baby

So Hubby and I are big time into camping, off-roading, and general outdoors-type entertainment. When I was pregnant with MLO, Hubby and I decided that we wanted to continue to do those things we loved with our little one. As the summer months grew near, I started lightly researching camping tips for parents of kids under 1 year of age. I didn't find a whole lot. We took MLO on his first camping trip when he was just over 3 months old. Before I forget all the stuff we learned this summer I figured I better make this post.

General Ideas:
1. Take a deep breath and accept that you are going into uncharted territory.
Each child is different. For instance, MLO always had a hard time going to sleep if he could see what was going on. He had to be in the tent, in the car, in the carrier (Ergo baby or Baby Bjorn) or in a covered, small travel bassinet in order to fall asleep. There was no sleeping in arms or sleeping in his chair and falling asleep in the carrier was not a guarantee or an easy thing to do. We just had to accept that we couldn't control when and where he was going to nap. If you want to enjoy it, let go of your expectations!

2. Be willing to change plans if necessary to retain the sanity of the family.
On the last day of camping during our first trip we were on the Rubicon Trail. We heard thunder and noted some nasty clouds a-gathering. We decided we didn't want to break camp in the rain the next morning so we packed up that afternoon and headed down the mountain on our7 hour drive home. We got home around midnight, and though it was a long, hard day for all of us, at least we weren't wet....

3. Make a list!
Hubby and I decided to make lists for 3 general areas of packing: kitchen, general camp, and baby. We packed the contents of each list into bins (or coolers where appropriate). This helped keep everything clear in our minds and organized in camp.

4. Pack extra for your first trip.
I wasn't sure how many burp cloths, diapers, wipes, changes of clothes or toys to bring. I looked at our consumption during a day at home and added about 20%. That came in handy when MLO went through more sweatshirts and long sleeved onsies than I expected.

Hubby and I had an amazing time camping with our little fella this summer. We have one of a kind pictures and memories we will hold forever. As we camped more and as MLO grew, we realized we could cut back on some things. For instance, generally it wasn't warm enough for MLO to be in just shorts and a short sleeved onsie so I didn't bring shorts and I brought fewer onsies. Here are some provisions we found particularly useful:

Provisions
1. Unscented diapers and fragrance free wipes: Huggies and Seventh Generation, among others, make unscented diapers and wipes. This is a must for inside the tent! Regardless of whether or not bears are interested in fragranced diapers, I slept better knowing we weren't tempting fate.

2. At least one sleeping bag that isn't a mummy bag. We realized that nighttime was generally too cold for even a jammied, swaddled, beanied, and bagged baby on his own. While we had a pack n' play for naps (which was very handy), MLO slept in a sleeping bag with one of us at night. The mummy bags were too constrictive for 2 of us and I worried that he was going to asphyxiate.

3. A full sized futon mattress. We purchased a basic one of these for camping a few years ago and love it. We tried sleeping on cots with the baby and it was just too awkward. It also fits great in our 4 person tent.

4. Some sort of chair for baby. When MLO was only a few months old we used a rocker that was gifted to us. That thing came in SO handy. It vibrated and soothed and was a safe place we could set him down when we were working in the campsite or eating meals. Once he started sitting up on his own we used a hook on chair that we attached to the picnic table. For that span of time where he was growing out of the rocker but not yet sitting on his own I wish we had the bebePOD. I recently acquired it and LOVE it for around the house and on the go. It would have been great to have in the camp site.

5. Sweatshirts, long sleeved onsies, beanies, footie pajamas and shoes. Camping is cold! We layered our little guy in footie pjs with a pair of pants and a sweatshirt in the morning. We even put shoes on his little feet to keep the heat in.

6. Sunscreen and hats. If your little one is going to be in the sun for more than 15 minutes sunscreen is a must. We had the little mister in hats when he was outdoors too.

From all accounts, camping with a pre-crawler is easy. Don't be scared! If camping is something you loved before your little person joined the world then make it happen and enjoy the ride. I can tell you from experience that you'll be glad you did!

MLO and me overlooking Edison Lake July, 2010. MLO was 4.5 months old.

The way things are.

I had the rare pleasure of watching my son fall asleep in my arms today. Usually, drifting to sleep is a physical battle not conducive to snuggling. As he slept peacefully in my arms I couldn't help but think about how much I love him. I always carry my love for him out in the open, no big mystery, but when I stop and think about how much I love him I feel like I might die. The feeling is simply the most intense adoration I have ever experienced. It completely overwhelms me and my ability to describe it. When I think about how much he means to me I just cry. It's all I can do. I love him so much.

So that got me thinking about spoiling my kid and whether I should never let him know how utterly taken with him I am. That led to my realization that no matter how I portray it to him, he will never really understand how and how much I love him. He will never be a mother. He will never know what it is to sacrifice his body for the healthy, happy existence of someone else. That is not to say that fathers don't love their children deeply and passionately. Indeed I know undoubtedly that they do. It just isn't the same sort of love.

I have to admit it breaks my heart when I think of that: when I note that my love for him can't be returned the same way. I suppose it's another sacrifice mothers make. I value my mother so much more because of that than I did before I understood. It also reminds me that he will break my heart a thousand times and thousand more before I kick the bucket. Every time he tells me I don't do it the way daddy does. The first time he vehemently opposes hugs in public and kisses goodbye in front of his friends. The first time that he shouts, "I hate you!" and slams his bedroom door. When he leaves home for college. Every one of those little triumphs that says your child is growing up, becoming more independent and learning how to care for himself is a little stab at your heart that you really shouldn't be sad about at all. They are all steps away from you, away from that little person you grew and birthed and fed and changed and swaddled. That little person who fell asleep in your arms.

I find this fact of life to be very strange. At first I thought it was karma for those nice young men whose heartfelt advances I so unceremoniously spurned. Then I realized that this is simply the way things are, that I shouldn't feel sad about it. I do, though. The same way I feel sad about having to grow old and die. I wonder, as I continue to grow up and change as a person and as a mom, will this sadness diminish? Is this the way it is when you start out, or a chink in my particular coat of armor; some artifact of an over-blown sense of fairness? It will be interesting to find out.

For now I will go on relishing the feeling of loving someone this much and just being thankful that he is my son: my healthy, happy (and for now, sleeping) baby boy.