Groggy

As many of you new moms know (and as you soon-to-be-moms will find out) sleep is a premium. My son just turned 6 months old and sleep is still a difficult to attain and tenuously held object of my desire. I haven't slept through the night in half a year. Moreover, my son has a rocky relationship with napping, so getting through the day with more than an hour to myself at a time is a miracle. I am tired of being tired, and I worry that my son isn't getting the sleep he needs to grow.

For My Little One (MLO), sleep means a chance for all those nutrients and calories to go toward growth rather than the endless arm waving, leg kicking, noise making, body rolling and crawl attempting that constitutes my son's awake time. He is not a subdued child. It also means a chance for him to process all those novel stimuli he encountered in the 60-150 minutes he was awake and interacting with his world. Finally, it means going from a cranky whiner to a laughing companion. For me, it means an hour of blog writing, paper editing, data analysis, or house cleaning. We are all happier when the baby is well rested. Unfortunately, the little mister simply doesn't want to do it. He fights gum and nail to stay awake. I have watched as he falls asleep and when his eyes drift closed his body starts and he opens his eyes up as wide as they will go. Then starts another round of coaxing to sleep.

There are so many methods and philosophies regarding sleep in babies. Dr. Spock, Dr. Sears, The Sleep Lady, The No Cry Sleep Solution are just a few of the authorities or sleep bibles we are told are 'The Right Way' to get your child to sleep. Not only are these all 'The Right Way' the consequences should you not  follow the prescribed Way are dire: you and your child will suffer for years as a result of your inability to resist his/her manipulation or your child will think you don't love him/her and will end up with deep insecurities. Really? Each of these differing philosophies is 'The Right Way' and if I don't pick the right one and follow through my child will end up damaged and our relationship scarred? I don't believe it. If there is anything I've learned in the last 6 months it is that my son is unique, resilient and sure he is loved. We didn't pick any one parenting philosophy and follow it to the letter, and dammit, I'm not going to be bullied into picking a single 'sleep solution' and dedicate the family to following it no matter what.

For all of my resolution to resist The Man I am prey to the fear He has instilled in me. I fear giving MLO a sleep complex. I fear not recognizing that he is working me and thereby letting him get into bad habits. I fear that he isn't getting the crucial sleep time his body and mind need. I fear that in an attempt to modify and explore different methods we are disrupting any routine that he is trying to get used to. While there are all of these inherent fears about the static issue of sleep there is the challenge of adapting to an ever changing child. He is growing so fast and his mental and physical capabilities are morphing just as quickly. I am overwhelmed by Sleep.

So... what do I do? At this point we have tried parenting him to sleep (which seemed to result in waking more often at night and a progressively difficult napping routine) and letting him cry it out (which he can do for an hour or longer... awful for all of us). We have at this point adopted a mixed up version of the two. We have a definite going to bed routine for nighttime and naptime which results in (usually) a calm and quiet baby placed in the crib. We spend a minute or so (depending on whether he is responsive to it) gently holding his ever flailing arms down so as to promote relaxation, then we say 'NiNight' and leave the room. This tends to send him into a yelling bout with varying intensity. Sometimes he goes to sleep relatively quietly, sometimes he yells and complains for up to an hour. When the complaining is long-lived we will go in every 10 or so minutes and reposition him (by this time he has rolled over and wedged himself into a corner of the crib) and trying to keep a straight face and eye contact go through our literal hand holding before walking away. The worst is, after all of that, he wakes up bright eyed and cheery after 30-40 minutes of sleep. Rare are the 1 hour or longer naps of yestermonth.

Well there you have it. One more example of how all those books and people who 'know' just make parenting more anxiety ridden and how you have to find the way that works for you through trial and error. I try to be mindful that my son is healthy, happy and well loved. That he is growing just fine and that I'm lucky for all of the joys that he brings. I try to be mindful that I can't be perfect and that as long as I love him and have his best interests at heart, the likelyhood that I ruin him for life is really pretty small. I hope.